Posted May 30, 2016 on www.caringbridge.org/visit/allisonchaput
Happy Memorial Day to everyone! I hope that you were able to be with your family and friends remembering what this holiday is all about!!! Ian and I didn't make any plans for this weekend as I just didn't know how I would feel after my chemo treatment last week! I sure did miss my family as they were all together in South Dakota this weekend!
My chemo treatment hit me a little harder this go round! I was super tired and nauseous both Thursday and Friday, like I didn't get off the couch all day. My jawbone, step counter says I took 671 steps total for all day Friday….yikes! Saturday, I wasn't as tired, but I had those flu-like aches that they warned me about. There were several times that Ian tried to hug me and it just hurt to the point that I would have rather not been touched. I didn't sleep well on Saturday due to the aches, I should've taken a pain pill, but I didn't. Lesson learned for the next go around! Yesterday and today have been better. I have more energy and my appetite is back! I can deal with a few days of feeling bad if it means that this treatment is working!
Yesterday morning, I had a rough morning. I had been reading a blog all week after my chemo treatment that is written by a girl that was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer at 33 and she has the same mutation that I have. I guess I didn't know anything about the mutation until I read her blog and I now have so many questions for my oncologist when I see her again in 3 weeks. I just had a day of feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I would ever have a moment again where I would go a day without thinking, "I have cancer". And the truth is, no, I will always have this cancer. It is mutation in my DNA so as long as I am alive, I will have to take a drug in order for the mutation to not to invade my body. My immune system doesn't recognize the mutation so it doesn't fight against it. Overall, I am glad that I found her blog and read it, but it also depressed me some. I went to church and had the toughest time getting through mass without crying. At one, point I looked down at my engagement ring and wondered who I would leave it to if I died? Who would carry on my legacy like I carry on my grandma's and Ian's grandma's by wearing their jewelry? Needless to say, I had a down day, but those days are normal and expected. The reality of this all hit me and there I was vulnerable, but then I remembered a text that my older sister sent me when I was in the hospital and having a rough morning, "Tears are prayers when we can't find the words to say." And I cried, I let it all out in church and it felt so good! I know that our Lord had his arms around me, and he was just waiting for me to give it all to him. And I did! It doesn't matter how we treat this, how we deal with this, or how we look at the future, it is all in God's hands, and I have given it all to him!
Today, I am better, but the thoughts of having cancer still crossed my mind multiple times. It has been one month since my diagnosis. When I look back on this month, my life isn't where I wanted it to be or even planned for it to be, but this is my life. I am supposed to be starting a new semester of grad school tomorrow and here I am fighting for my life instead, not something that I ever thought I would have to do. But, I will embrace it and make the most of it. I have no other choice than to be strong and fight with all my might!
Tonight as I lay my head down, I will pray for those that had fought for our country and never made it home, I will pray for mental and emotional peace for myself, I will pray for my family and friends who are fighting along side with me, I will pray for Samantha, the girl in the blog, I will pray for a wonderful week with my friend Rosa. Most importantly, I will thank God for giving me the emotions that it takes to get through this nightmare, for the peace, love, hope, and strength to get through the bad days and make the most of the good days, and I will thank him for him as he has all the control and his will is the way.
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