2 weeks

Posted May 13, 2016 on www.caringbridge.org/visit/allisonchaput

I can't believe that it has been 2 weeks since I diagnosed with lung cancer.   They always say time flies when you are having fun, but is there a saying for when time is flying and you aren't having fun?  This is not fun, but I am embracing it with who I am!  
I met with my oncologist yesterday for my post 1 week chemo infusion.  She is just amazing, and she made me feel amazing as she commented on how good I looked!  I wanted to say, "Well lady, you saw me a my worst in the ICU with no-make-up for days and greasy hair!" The results of my mutations are in and I am negative for the ALK mutation, so I will not be entering into a clinical trial at the University Medical Center here in Denver as they have just started a trial for patients with the ALK mutation and now that I am negative for that mutation I am not eligible.  Ian said, "That's ok, you don't want to be lab rat for the next year, do you?"  He is always finding a way to make me smile these days!  However, I am positive for the EGFR mutation.  This is a mutation in the epidermal growth factor receptor and is normal for healthy cell growth.  Since mine is mutated, I got cancer because the cells grew too rapidly and with the mutation were unhealthy cells.  If that all makes since…I have been doing my research this morning on the EGFR mutation and I am not even close to being done with researching!  So, my oncologist is recommending that we continue the aggressive chemotherapy treatment (carboplatin and alimta) that I am currently on for 4 rounds, a total of 12 weeks.  After the 4th round, we will do the scans again and see where we are with tumor shrinkage and decided if we will switch to the drug that specific for the mutation or continue on with the current treatment plan for several more rounds. I did have my labs drawn as my counts should be a an all time low right about now, but everything looked good.  My WBCs have decreased, but are still normal! While I have been at the Porter Cancer Center, I am now going to go to the Parker Cancer Center as it is closer to my house and my oncologist goes there too!   It made more sense to Ian and I to be closer to home, like 10 minutes from home! 
I also had an ECHO yesterday to make sure that there is no more fluid build around my heart and that the surgery that I had on 4/30 worked….and it did!  I meet with my surgeon and there is no fluid around my heart.  The fluid around my right lung that was drained during surgery is not malignant!!  He said, that he didn't think that it was as it looked like heart failure fluid and was caused because of the pressure on my heart.  The fluid was clear, thin, and serous; definitely nothing like the fluid around my heart which was bloody! 
I have been feeling great!  I have more energy and my appetite is back!   Although I have lost 13 lbs. in the last two weeks….but who's complaining about that…definitely not me!!!  I just wish it didn't take getting diagnosed with cancer to lose weight!!!   I finished my final and am just preparing for my assessment check-off and I will be done with school until probably January.  I have taken a liking to herbal tea since I can't stand the sight of coffee!  Even when I open the pantry door and see a breakfast blend box of k-cups sitting on the shelf, I want to vomit!  I continue to get well wishes from everywhere and I am over joyed at the support that I have behind me! 
This weekend, my best friend from high school and a couple other high friends are coming and we will be going out for brunch and just hanging out.  Ian and I have a birthday party Saturday afternoon for one of his friends that we will go to.  We have a busy weekend, but I wouldn't want it any other way!!!  Busy is our normal!
Last night before I went to bed I thanked God for his almighty sense of peace, I have sure felt peace recently with how things are going and my diagnosis; I thanked him for my amazing cousins that sent the best care package ever, they sure nailed it; I thanked him for my oncologist and the professionals at the cancer center; they are all amazing; I thanked him for every breath he has allowed me to take; I sure took it for granted before my diagnosis; and of course, I thanked him for him; I am at awe at his compassion, mercy, faith, hope, and love and I am surrounded in it every day!!  

My heart is overflowing

Posted May 9, 2016 on www.caringbridge.org/visit/allisonchaput

To say that my heart is overflowing is an understatement!  I have been so touched by all the calls, texts, cards, flowers, packages, and comments on this site.  You all are helping me through this journey and will continue to as I re-read every single comment.  
First of all, I want to say Happy Mother's Day to all my beautiful friends and family….I was lucky enough to spend Mother's Day with both of my moms!  My mom was here and so was Ian's mom, and we had a joyous time!  We were able to get some wedding stuff done and just spend time with each other.  My mom and I were even able to take a nap together and it was wonderful being able to snuggle with my mama!  
My side effects haven't been to bad. I think that I am mostly just anxious as I don't know what I am suppose to feel.  I have been tired, nauseous, and had horrible heartburn, but the flu-like symptoms never showed up!  I'm loving nightly soaks in epsom salt with lavender.   Today, I have more energy and am not nauseous!  I am upset that I am just not feeling coffee….I love coffee, but just the smell of it makes my stomach turn!  
I am continuing to work on my class and will take my final on Wednesday.  After my final, I will just have to schedule my assessment check-off with my professor as I was suppose to do it when I was in the hospital.  After this class, I will take a break from school in order to take care of myself.  It saddens me that I will have to take a break, but I know that it is most important to take care of me at this point!  
Ian and I were talking the other day about me taking a break from school, and I looked at him and said, "Remember 3 weeks ago, when we were talking about my school, and I had it all planned out and when we would start to try to have kids so that we would have a baby right after I graduated?"  He just laughed at me and said you are always planning everything out.  I responded with, "God sure had his laugh at me planning out our life."  I guess that's what I get for trying to plan everything out!  You never know what life will bring you!  
As I have seen a lot of pictures pop up on Facebook, I often catch myself wondering if I had cancer in many of the pictures.  It's hard not to think about when this nasty disease started invading my body and pictures from the past make me wonder.  I look at my face and see how happy I was, and then it hits me, I could have been growing this nasty stuff then.  
We continue on with daily life as it is right now.  Ian is working and needs to in order to keep his mind occupied and to bring in the cash flow!  HAHA!!  I tease him that he is my sugar daddy!  I am working on our marriage requirements and class!  We will have a normal life!  That is all I want….I don't want this cancer to define our lives, we will define the cancer!  The one thing that stuck with me during our education session with the nurse practitioner was when she said, "The only restrictions we put on you are the restrictions that you put on yourself."  I was so happy that I don't have to live in a bubble and sit on my couch during my treatment.  My mom and I talked about me going back to work when I am released, and I figured that she would hesitate in wanting me to do that, but we both agreed that I need to go back to work in order for things to be normal.  
Today, I sat and thanked God for the sunshine, for giving me the strength to get through my first treatment, for surrounding me in his love when I was in church on Sunday (I sure felt it and had tears flowing from my eyes), for giving me people that love me, for giving me this life, and for him.  He continues to give me the strength, faith, love, and courage that I need!  Each day gets better!  

I am now in control!

Posted May 5, 2016 on www.caringbridge.org/visit/allisonchaput

Waking up this morning was rough on me.  There were tears; lots of tears.  Little Mia was there to lick them away; oh that puppy, how I love her!  I woke up and said my prayers, thanking God that I am alive and that I am breathing; but the thought of chemo bombarded my head, and I couldn't hold back the tears.  I like to think that the tears were both those of happy ones and those of being overwhelmed and still living in this nightmare.  I was happy because finally the day had come that I was going to be in control of the cancer, but also overwhelmed because the fact is, I still have cancer.  I woke up to about 25 text messages and over 50 Facebook notifications….what love I am feeling!  Believe me when I say that I am feeling each and everyone of your prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts, and tears!!!  Oh how, I love you all!
Round #1 of chemo is finished, and I am at more peace than I ever thought I would be.  Ian told me to today that I look more like myself than I have in the last week.  That made me smile, and know that on my heart I am now moving forward.  The two days between getting discharged from the hospital and sitting at home waiting around for my first chemotherapy treatment was long and grueling.  All that ran through my head was that I was just sitting here, letting this cancer grow in me and I'm not doing anything about it.  The cancer had control of my life.  With the cancer in control, I wasn't sure what my future held, I wasn't sure how normal my life would be again, I wasn't sure what activities I could continue to do. Could I go to my friend's bachelorette party in a few weeks? Would I ruin her wedding pictures because I was the bald bridesmaid?  I felt like my job, my life, my world, and my happiness were taken away from me.  
My chemo infusion lasted about 2.5 hours this morning. My mom, dad, Ian, and his mom were there with my every step of the way.  We had an hour session of education, that we all needed.  I mean, I have been an ICU nurse for 9 years now, but oncology and chemotherapy is so foreign to me.  The number one bummer; I can't have sushi for at least 18 weeks, and I am already counting the days until I can eat sushi!!!  
The NP assumes that I will start to have symptoms on Sunday, and they will be flu-like symptoms; aching and fatigue.  I will have time to get to Blackhawk this weekend with my family for some wedding planning before I start to feel like poo!  My dad told me today while he was sitting with me that he just wanted the mega dose, for me to feel like shit, and then in 6 months I would feel better than ever…oh my dad, he wants this gone so bad, we all do!  But the reality is, we wait.  We have chemo, we wait for it to destroy the cells, we get more scans, and we wait.  One thing that I have learned about my dad this last week is that he has NO patience at all; and we all thought he was calm and patient and the peace maker!  
I finally feel like I am in control of this disease and that it is being killed and removed from my body. I will be off work for at least 6 weeks, but much to my surprise I was told that I would be able to return to work even when I am receiving chemo.  I was shocked; I thought there was no way they would let me work the whole 18 weeks of treatment.  We will reevaluate my return to work in the middle of June; and that gives me time to know how my body will react to chemo and how to coordinate my schedule with the chemo.  At least one thing will be normal in my life; work!
I will go to sleep tonight thanking God for the drugs that do kill the cancer, thanking him for my life, thanking him for Ian, thanking him for all the friends he has placed in my life, thanking him for my loving family who dropped everything at midnight on a Wednesday night when I called and drove 3.5 hours to be with me through this nightmare, and I will thank him mostly for him; the one that gives me the strength, courage, hope, power, and love to beat this awful disease! 
Here's to getting through the next 3 weeks; round two will be on May 26th!!!

                                                              

No one ever thinks it will be them!

Posted May 5, 2016 on www.caringbridge.org/visit/allisonchaput

I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be making a caring bridge website for myself.  Here I sit, with just me and my computer and many thoughts running through my head.  The last week has been a whirlwind, and I never thought that my life would be turned upside down in a matter of days.  
My story starts with just a plain ole me story.  I'm just a normal person, living my life with my fiancé and our dog.  We have the life that we love, and no one could love it more than we love it!  A week ago, our life was turned upside down, and now we are holding onto the fingers of God for him to give us the grace, courage, hope, love, and faith to make it through our journey.  
I was a normal, healthy 32 yr. old who loved to run, eat healthy, socialize, and enjoy life.  I was running 4-5 day a week, at least 2-3 miles a day.  I was trying to lose weight for my upcoming wedding, all I wanted to lose was 10-20 lbs. and tone up a little to look stunning in my wedding dress.  I was enrolled in a graduate program to be a Nurse Practitioner.  I was working full time as an assistant nurse manager in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. My life was busy, but I loved it!  I loved all of it!!
On April 24th, Ian picked me up from the airport after being in Kansas City for the weekend, attending one of my good friends bridal shower.  We went out for a late lunch and after that we went home to enjoy the afternoon and evening.  I just didn't feel right after I ate, but I didn't think much about it.  I just thought I was having that full, uncomfortable feeling, especially from not eating healthy like usual all weekend long.  On the 25th, I woke up at 4:30 and was going to go run, but I didn't feel right, so I opted to sleep another hour before going to work.  I got to work and was having abdominal pain and shortness of breath.  Many of the nurses thought I was having heartburn or an ulcer, so I ate Tums all day and took Prilosec.  I didn't have much relief, but I have never had heartburn before, so I wasn't sure when the Tums and the Prilosec were supposed to start working.  On the 26th, I actually felt better.  I was still having some abdominal pain, but I went to work and got through the day.  That evening, Ian and I went and ate Pho for dinner, and that aggravated my abdominal pain and I was pretty miserable the rest of the evening.  That night, Ian made me promise that I would go to the doctor that next day.  On Wednesday, the 27th, I woke up really miserable, but I had things to do at work, so I went to work.  I didn't have an appetite, and I was side tracked all day long with my pain and shortness of breath!  I made a doctor appointment with my primary care physician at 4pm that afternoon.  I finally got the doctor and she started working me up for an acute gall bladder attack, but she did tell me that she was concerned about my high heart rate and shortness of breath.  She ordered an ultrasound of the my gallbladder and I headed to Parker Adventist Hospital to get my ultrasound.  During my ultrasound I was really short of breath, but I just wanted the ultrasound done to get a diagnosis.  Once the ultrasound was done, the radiologist came to my room to do another ultrasound because my gallbladder was fine, but there was a large accumulation of fluid around my heart (pericardial effusion).  The radiologist wouldn't let me leave the hospital and walked me to the emergency room.  In the emergency room, the doctor ordered a cat scan of my chest, abdominal, and pelvis.  Once the results were in, my nightmare began.   The cat scan showed the accumulation of fluid around my heart, another accumulation around my right lung, and a mass in the upper lobe of my right lung.  The ED doctor wanted me close to a heart surgeon in case I needed to have the fluid around my heart drained emergently, so she transferred me to Porter Adventist Hospital in the middle of the night.
During the middle of the night, my shortness of breath and high heart rate got worse.  I was unable to talk in complete sentences without being short of breath.  At 8:15 am, the cardiologist came in and assessed me.  He rushed me to the heart catheter lab to drain the fluid around my heart.  He drained 800 cc off my heart that morning and placed a drain in my heart in order to keep the fluid off.  The fluid that was taken off my heart in the cath lab was sent to the lab, and then we waited.  Waiting for results is not fun!  It's a sit and wait game when it comes to the medical field.  
On Friday, April 29th, my critical care doctor came in my room, as I was in the ICU.  She asked my parents to step out and I knew.  I knew that the news wasn't good, that my world was about to be turned upside down.  She looked me in the eyes, with tears in her own eyes, and told me that I had cancer.  The fluid around my heart had come back with lung cancer cells in it.  So, I was diagnosed with lung cancer at 32 years old.  My world came crashing down….I immediately begged God to make this be a joke, I begged him to take it all away, I begged him to wrap his arms around me, I begged him to love me, I begged him to heal me, I begged him to wake me up from this nightmare.  But, when I opened my eyes, my reality was sitting right in front of me in that hospital bed, as my parents walked back in from hearing the same words I had just heard.  I have cancer.  I have lung cancer.  I have stage 4 lung cancer.  How?  How does a 32 year old who has never smoked a day in her life get lung cancer?  How does one that was running up until a week before that get lung cancer?  How does one that is in the prime of her life planning her wedding get lung cancer?  But, here I am, battling the biggest fight of my life.  That afternoon, was a blur.  My oncologist ordered an MRI of my brain, and a PET scan, so I was taken down to the radiology department and had my scans done.  I was in a daze, but I knew I needed to get the scans done in order to move on.  The best news of Friday came that evening when my oncologist came to see me.  My MRI was negative, and the PET scan showed cancer in the mass in my lung, some lymph nodes in my chest, one lymph node in my neck, and the fluid around the sac of my heart.  No cancer in my brain or my liver….and then I could smile.  
On Saturday, April 30th, the heart surgeon took me to surgery to place a tube in the sac around my heart to prevent the fluid from coming back and with hopes that the sac around my heart and my heart would adhere.  He also placed a chest tube in my lung and drained 800 cc off my right lung in surgery.  I had those tubes taken out over the next two days, and none of the fluid has accumulated again.  
I was discharged from the hospital on Monday, May 2nd.  Ian was so happy to take me home.  I was so glad to be home and sleeping in my own bed. 
We started chemo on Thursday, May 5th.  I will write another journal entry about my day at the cancer center!  

New Adventure

Even though this blog has captured my adventure of being a travel nurse around the U.S., life complications happen, and unfortunately, those complications have happened to me.  On April 30, I was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer.  A week after I got out of the hospital, I started a caring bridge website for my co-workers, friends, and family.  After I had started to research my cancer and mutation, I realized that this will be a life long journey instead of a small battle, so I revamped my blog, changed the name, and will now tell my story here!  I will add my caring bridge posts and will continue to blog here, rather than my caring bridge site!
Fill free to read all my previous posts, I'm sure they are boring as I wrote them so long ago and they are just about my adventures as a travel nurse!

Simple Reminders

Yesterday's post was a little depressing, and while I have read it over and over again, the last time I read it, which was right before I opened this tab for a new post, I didn't cry.  Those tears are put away!  I made a promise to myself when I got off work this morning and crawled into bed that I was not going to shed one more tear over this situation….instead, I am going to hold my head high, move on, and remember the fun, happy times I had with the person that disappointed me.  There were soooo many great times, and I don't regret any of those moments for a second, so I will remember them and continue through this journey.

After I made this promise to myself, I was actually able to have a restful sleep, and I woke up with a smile on my face!  It's the simple little reminders that you get when you are down that help with your healing.

The ones that I received today were:
*a snap chat from my sister of the cutest little nephew ever with the biggest smile on his face
*a friend that posted a "Brave" saying on Facebook that actually made my heart smile
*a delicious blended ice coffee that I made…oh boy was is yummy
*puppy kisses when I opened my eyes and saw the cutest little face just waiting for me to wake up
*a smile from a stranger when I was out walking Mia

This day is a new day…and I, my friends will conquer it!

Disappointment

DISAPPOINTMENT...This word seems to be my major defeat right now.  I have a lot of people in my life that I love, trust, and cherish.  Then there are those people, the ones that you least expect that will tear you down, disappoint you, prove they aren't who they said they were….and well, you reap the emotions of pain, anxiety, tears, and heartache.
Yesterday, I was sorely disappointed by one person that I trust and KNEW was a genuinely good person.  As, I tossed and turned last night replaying every moment in my head, trying to figure out what happened, and just yearning for the feelings of hurt and disappointment to go way, I pleaded with my God to free me…
Free me from the pain….
Free me from the tears…
Free me from the anxiety…
….Just free me….
I begged for him to take my hand and lead to the path that he has built for me…one that I know doesn't have this feeling of disappointment in it.

As I fell into a restless sleep full of unwanted dreams, I was still full of all those emotional feelings that no one wants to feel.  I woke up this morning unsure of how to conquer this day…not quite sure how I felt, what I was going to do about the disappointment I was experiencing, but I dragged myself out of bed, pulled on my workout gear, painted a fake happy face on…

As I got into my car, I was longing for a song that would speak to my heart, I prayed for one…
…one that would make me smile a genuine smile.
…one that would touch my heart with a little happiness.
…one that would put my head in a good place.
And there it was…a song that I have loved since I first heard it…and it has always spoken to my heart. One that I know is oh so true!  I have only listened to it about 17 times this morning!  I began wishing that home wasn't 3.5 hours away…I need that feeling of love from people that don't struggle to give out me…the love that comes easy for them.

Through my sadness and tears, I know that I have big things ahead me.  I will not be down forever, but a girl has to cry every once in a while.  These tears were brought on by someone that I trusted, loved, enjoyed spending time with, and was able to talk to in a way that I have never been able to talk to anyone…and when those things are gone, tears are warranted! 

I have read this saying many of times before, but today, I needed it more than ever!  I have strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way…all because of HIM!